In recent years I have discovered that it’s impossible for me to talk about my journey with money without explaining how I ended up in debt.
So my plight started when I got married in community of property. This type of marriage contract is something that is not usually discussed in our communities. There is a general belief that if “he” loves me he will be willing to share everything he owns with me. Notice that I have put “he” in inverted commas. So the issue of whether we were getting married IN or OUT of community of property was not open for discussion. The assumption was that he loves me and we are not ever planning to get divorced, so it was a given that we get married in community of property.
Within the marriage union, we made a series of money decisions that landed us in hot water. For starters there was a general belief at that time, from a famous book which said “you must use other people’s money to get rich”. In my view this perception caused many black people to end up in debt. The idea is that you acquire property via a bond, and with the growing property value it will end up paying for itself and making money for you. However, the reality is very different.
First it starts with affordability; most people end up over indebted. They then acquire credit cards that they cannot afford to maintain a certain lifestyle. Then they end up acquiring personal loans to pay the bond and pay the credit card. So the debt keeps growing and growing. What the banks don’t tell you is that when you are married in community of property, a personal loan is not really personal. So even though the spouse can sign for the loan on their own, when they fail to honour the repayments, the debt gets shared equally between the couple.
Then comes the part when the marriage fails, and then life gets complicated.
What I wish somebody could have told me while I was going through my divorce, is that the divorce settlement doesn’t protect you in any way. You see, if you buy a property together while married in COP, then it gets ceded to one partner as part of the settlement and that partner fails to honour the repayments, both partners become equally liable for the debt. The bank considers the divorce settlement to be a third-party agreement, therefore they don’t recognize it.
What I’m going to say next is going to be viewed as controversial by many, but I urge you to have a personal savings account which only you know about. So yes, I am saying keep some money secret from your partner. This is the money that is going to save you when the unexpected happens. I know that when you are in love it’s difficult to even imagine your situation changing, but things do change. This is the money that you will use to find a place to stay at the last minute, or to travel to a place of safety or to even ensure your children do not get inconvenienced by your changing situation.
So my last word to you is that you must love yourself enough to be your own best friend. If you are married in COP and your spouse brings home finance applications for you to co-sign, think what your best friend would tell you to do. Yes, you are in a loving relationship and you are not planning for it to fail, but be smart about it. Be smart about your money decisions.
Start having the tough discussions. If you are not married yet, initiate the talk about the type of marriage contract you are going to enter into. It’s not an easy discussion but it’s important for your future. If you married in COP, insist on money transparency. Insist on seeing the credit card statements and loans and so on. If you are going through a divorce, make sure all debts get settled before signing off on the settlement, and ensure that you are aware of your rights and any consequences that might arise as a result of ceding some assets to your ex-partner.
And lastly, save for a rainy day.
Love yourself enough to ensure that you secure a bright future for you and your loved ones. And always remember that the light shines in you.
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