My ex and I had completely different mindsets when it comes to money. Bless him. He used to spoil me rotten with material things I didn’t want and with money he didn’t have. Bless him! He meant well. You see, giving gifts was his love language and because it wasn’t my love language, his gifts were not always well received. He would buy food and expensive clothes, gadgets and shoes with the bank's money. I was in awe of his ability to sleep peacefully at night with the amount of debt he had amassed over his short lifetime. I was envious of his nonchalant attitude towards the 'debt monster' which I feared would pounce on him, and by extension and marriage contract – on me too.
My ex had what I call a destructive-abundance mindset (you won’t find this term in psychology books) and believed that he was riding and using "the system". He was the winner! The system: the banks, Woolworths, Sandton City were all the losers. "After all," he would quip, "You only live once". Me on the other hand, I had a beneficial-scarcity mindset. (also, not in any psychology journals). Me, I’m the kind that refuses to throw away a pair of worn shoes- you either fix them and keep them or fix and give them away. Despite our vast differences in our money mindset, there were a few things which we got right.
Through my work as a finance coach and through personal experience, I have learnt that there are mainly 2 approaches to coupling where money is concerned. The first, I like to call M.Y.O.D.M.B. Mind-your-own-damn-money-business and the second I call reverse log-rolling. In M.Y.O.D.M.B., each couple generates their own income and pays their own portion of their joint expenses, kind of like roommates…no! Actually, Exactly like roommates. The hubby for instance pays for the bond and the wifey pays for the housekeeper and grocery. Hubby pays for school fees; wifey pays for the random school activities. This approach is not ideal. It perpetuates and encourages money hierarchy-where the person who pays the most... is the boss. He (or she) who pays the most may make every attempt to suppress that bossy feeling, but at some point, Miss Boss-lady and Mr. Bossy-pants will release their money bossiness into the world and into the relationship.
The second approach to money coupling is reverse log-rolling (try say “log-rolling” 5 times).
In reverse log-rolling, 2 individuals stand atop a log that's floating in a body of water. Their job, is to work together to both stay on the log for as long as possible. They are partners; working together against the ripples, the waves and gravity. Working together against the world. Their job is to navigate and stay afloat the log - to build, grow and achieve their goals- together.
It’s damn hard in the beginning. But once you understand and celebrate each other’s strengths, accept and quite frankly ignore each other’s weaknesses, the 2 log-rollers are able to stay afloat.
What I have personally learnt and encourage my clients to apply to stay afloat and flourish financially as a couple is:
1. Have an honest conversation about your own money and your personal goals. One cannot expect honesty from others without extending the same courtesy.
2. Unless it's destructive, you cannot and should not sacrifice your core money values with the expectations that the other will change their own core values. If theirs changes, fantastic! If not, uzoba strong.
3. Seek help early in the relationship. Find a coach or a mentor who will help you merge your money styles, beliefs and wishes.
4. Whether you are married in *COP or **ANC , you have to develop a joint money mindset. Most of the elements of your budget, have to be combined. Have 1 bank account into which you deposit your incomes and from which household expenses are paid.
5. In your combined budget, have 2 additional line items- a payment to yourself and a payment to your partner. These payments go into each of your separate bank accounts. This becomes your pocket money! Or as I like to call it “Blow money”.With it you can buy your 127 pairs of shoes or your Johnnie, Jack or Gordon. This is your money, honey! The rest of the money is not yours. It’s for your family; it’s the Partnership’s money; it’s your Marriage’s money.
May this blog post inspire you to achieve your money goals as a team.
Spark the conversation! Share the blog with your partner and say “Motho wa Modimo, check out this blog”…and if that doesn’t work share this African proverb with him/her “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together”. May you go far together.
Yours in financial wellness,
Nthabi Monoge
Head Coach of Money Relations Coaching
PS: Please don’t buy 127 shoes and the whole bottle store
Lol!! What an enlightening article!!